Reality Break

Ah, hindsight. While I realize that I’ve developed a high tolerance to crap movies over the years, I’m now looking back on my decision to rent the made-for-TV atrocity known as “The Legend of Gator Face”, and realize that I should’ve seen the pain this movie would cause me. Then again, I don’t think even the words “Hallmark TV Movie” could’ve prepared me for the gut-wrenchingly bad film that was to come.

Gator Face is about a couple of kids, Danny (John White) and his physically & mentally dense friend Phil (Dan Warry-Smith), that get bored during the summer and decide to play an elaborate prank on the whole town by masquerading as the legendary half-man, half-gator being “Gator Face” that’s been said to run about in the swamps.

They soon find, however, that a real creature exists, and their antics have riled the entire town (and apparently the National Guard, for some odd reason) into destroying the misunderstood reptile. The bratty daughter of the National Guard coordinator, Angel, discovers the secret the two boys are hiding as well and demands to join in the “fun”.

The only thing that really shocked me in the movie was one truly good actor, in a hideously scripted role. Paul Winfield, the third African-American actor to receive an Oscar nomination for Best Actor (and who had done several excellent films and TV series up to this point), was cast as Bob, the eccentric outcast of a junk collector who lived in the swamps. He was actually nominated for a daytime Emmy for the role, because even despite the swamps of suckage that he was mired in at the time, he managed to pull off the lines he was given with more believability than anyone else could have done. However, watching Winfield trying his best to make something decent in that role was like watching the Three Tenors singing YMCA in a late-night karaoke bar. The talent was there, but you couldn’t for the life of you figure out why it STAYED there.

Gator Face was clearly also written by a bunch of writers who knew nothing of doing “family films”. Two of the three writers (Mruvka & Riley) were best known for their work on the “Erotic Confessions” series, and the third was known for…well, he just wasn’t known. Ever.

To sum up, here’s a top five list of things that bugged the crap out of me while watching this:

1. The “small town in backwater Mississippi”, as they called it, was insulting to southerners in a big way. It was supposedly modern day, but all the female residents wore frilly frocks & aprons while a majority of the men sported straw hats, bow ties, and suspenders straight out of the 1930’s. It was damned weird seeing modern vehicles driving by a town full of people who looked like they were just starting to use those new-fangled horseless carriages. Don’t even get me STARTED on the accents, either. I think the majority of the actors there never got any more “southern” than a drive through meal at KFC.

2. Speaking of stereotyping, not only did they have to make the chubby kid both lazy and dumb to boot, but they also had only one black man in an entire town in modern-day Mississippi – and he lived alone in the swamp, because for some not-quite-clarified reason, they all felt “uncomfortable” around him. The town drunks, crabby ladies, gun freaks and other eccentrics were okay, but the otherwise quiet and reasonable man who’s only oddity was to say that Gator Face was real? Off to the swamps with ya, boy! (Good thing for him they didn’t know he was gay, too.)

3. The fake suit the kids came up with for Gator Face actually looked MORE realistic than the “real” creature they met later. Seriously, the thing was wall-eyed! Would it kill their FX crew (or whoever else was standing nearby) to shove that plastic eyeball forward a bit, instead of veering off to the right? He looked positively stoned! Maybe a little too much Croc-pot?

4. Angels dad is the head of the local National Guard. Danny’s dad is the head of the Sheriff’s department. Neither one of these dads has a clue of what their kids are doing, no matter how obvious. Who would put these morons in charge of investigating ANYTHING? Seriously, the kids were doing skateboard jumps off the backs of live alligators, spray painting buildings and repeatedly wandering about in the swamps on their own, and no one noticed them. No wonder they acted up! And did that fat kid even HAVE parents?

5. The ending. An utterly implausible and sappy ET-ripoff moment, followed by ambiguously religious symbolism, and a conclusion that leaves you wishing you could get those 99 minutes of your life back to use for something less painful and awkward…like a budget pap-smear, or a colonoscopy. Seriously…it was THAT bad.

I couldn’t find a lot of other people who’d mentioned watching this film either…which BEFORE viewing, I thought could mean this was a rare gem that no one had seen yet. After watching it in its entirety though, I have another theory. There were people who started to watch the film, PLANNING to review it…but then lost their will to live, much less to write, about half an hour in.

In conclusion, I don’t recommend this movie for anyone, of ANY age, due to the extreme suck content within. Unless of course, you’re teaching a film class, and wish to show your students a sound lesson of what NOT to do when making a film of their own. Wish me luck picking a less painful feature next time folks!  Apparently, I need it.

The sequel to the Transformers arrives June 24 as the war between the Autobots and Decepticons expands and it is revealed that the Transformers have been a part of Earth’s history for much longer than they had led us to believe!

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So, you say you want a Revolution?  Perhaps you might want to take your pick of one of the umpteen versions of Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) and get some actual entertainment in your exercise routine.

Dance Dance Revolution is celebrating 10 years of exer-gaming success in the U.S., and has been a huge benefit to its users over that time.  For those who’ve been in a closet the last couple of decades, DDR is fairly uncomplicated to play.  In both the arcade and home versions, there is a platform with four arrows, like the one below:

Players stand centered on the pad, until the music starts and the game prompts via the screen which arrows to step on, at which times.  The music varies depending on which game you buy – in fact, very little changes with each version besides the soundtrack and visual displays, so a good way to ensure you don’t get something more obnoxious to work out to than Richard Simmons singing along to 50’s songs is to check out one of the many soundtracks available at your local music store (you know, one of those places that lets you preview the music BEFORE you buy). Many home versions of DDR (like DDR Extreme for Playstation 2 or DDR Ultra Mix for X Box) have a “workout mode” available, where the players can enter their current weight, and get a running calorie count as they go. 

PROS: 

Health Benefits: the health benefits of DDR are that of almost any decent aerobic exercise.  Versions of the game have been used in elementary/middle/high schools and colleges throughout the U.S.  It’s even been made an official sport in Norway.  The American Council on Exercise (ACE) has researched the game, and stated that a workout using DDR could result in significant weight loss if used regularly.  On average, teens burn approx. 5.9 kcal/min on light mode, 6.7 kcal/min on standard mode, and 8.1 kcal on difficult mode.  Adults, particularly those with a lot more weight to lose, burned more. For a detailed summary of this study visit:  http://www.acefitness.org/cp/pdfs/FitnessMatters/Sept07.pdf.  How does this stack up compared to other workouts?  Here’s a list of other calorie-burning sports, with burn rates based on a 160-170 lb. person:

DDR Light Mode – 5.9 cal/min 

Walking (4 mph) - 6.1cal/min

DDR Standard Mode – 6.7 cal/min
Bicycling (10 mph) - 7.8cal/min

DDR Difficult/Expert Mode – 8.1 cal/min

So basically, if you keep it in light mode all the time, you might be better off just going for a brisk walk around the block.  However, work yourself up to the Standard or Difficult levels and you’ll be doing pretty darn sweet…especially if you’re not the sporty type to begin with.

Music: When I first saw the game it seemed like all I heard was pop and techno beats coming from it.  As the popularity of the game increased, however, many of the newer versions included  several different genres of music – all danceable, of course, but not limited to the tastes of a chosen few. 

Entertainment Value: This game is far more fun than your average treadmill or spin cycle, IMHO.  Plus if you’re feeling particularly competitive, you can purchase an extra mat (or three) and invite friends/family to compete with you on the virtual dance floor.

CONS:

Market Saturation: The sheer volume of DDR games out there makes it really difficult to find the game that’s best for your needs.  According to the wiki page here, there’s been more than 35 versions of the game released in North America alone! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Dance_Dance_Revolution_games

Most have different soundtracks (although sometimes it’s got remixes of old songs instead), and some have extra features (more player capacity, different play modes, etc.) but even a hardcore gamer can get discouraged just trying to pick one out.  Going on soundtrack alone (most of which can be found both on Wikipedia and visiting the many DDR fan sites out there) I’d personally go for DDR Supernova 2 (PS2 version), as it has A-ha’s “Take on Me”, EMF’s “Unbelievable” and Chic’s “Le Freak” on the playlist.  Forget the other forty-odd songs on there…I could do an hour or so of dancing on those three songs alone!  That’s probably just me, though.

Cost: While the games themselves don’t cost more than your average video game, the accessories for it can really add up.  Some come with their own mats, but the thinner ones can wear out over time, and replacing them (or adding extras for your friends) can be quite costly.  A few stores sell custom high-wear mats and ones with extra cushioning (usually meant for classroom/exercise group use, but can also work well for plus-sized persons who would wear the thinner mats out more quickly).  Some of the more hard-core DDR players have made their own arcade-style metal DDR boards at home (please do NOT attempt this without a sound training in electronics – electrocution is not flattering), or modding the thinner at-home boards with carpeting/foam padding underneath or plastic sheeting above (an easy way to make the workout a lot more low-impact, and a lot less likely to wear out faster, if done right).

Intimidation Factor: Another peeve I have – and this is more for the arcade DDR players than the home-game ones – is how little support is given to overweight persons (especially women) who want to try the game.  While doing this article, I went looking for YouTube demonstrations of people playing the game, and found an obscene amount of people who had videotaped obese (or sometimes just slightly overweight) women playing DDR, solely for the purpose of mocking them.  Grow up, people!  It’s hard enough to start an exercise program when you’re far less than fit to begin with, but to be ridiculed for trying to enjoy yourself and lose the very weight you’re mocking?  That just makes me ill.  For those geeks out there who have a little extra padding and want to try out a couple dollars worth of the arcade version before shelling out the big bucks for your own at-home version…yes, it’s likely there will be some jerks who find it funny to watch you jump up and down on a platform in front of them.  But you know what I say?  Do it anyway!  In fact, I’m sure if a workout mode WERE available on the arcade versions, these heavier dancers would find that the caloric burn rate would be even higher while envisioning every arrow they stomped on as the face of some bullying arcade-jockey out there who thought it would be funny to snap a picture or video of them right then.  Perhaps version DDR Extreme Ultra Super Remix XXXII can add that feature in?  With screaming.  Oh, how I’d love it if they screamed! Bwaaahahaha…ha…um, where was I now?  Oh yes…the game.

Overall, I think DDR has long proven itself to be a winner in the war against boredom in the exercise world…and while it may not be for everyone, it’s definitely helped many find that long sought-after mix of healthy aerobics and entertainment.  That makes it worth a shot, in my book, even if they haven’t built a screaming bully board to go with it…yet.

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick a**...and I am all out of bubblegum."

No self respecting fan of sci-fi/horror films should EVER miss seeing the 1988 John Carpenter gem, “They Live”. With a budget of 4 million to go on, Carpenter managed to create something that was both phenomenally cheesy AND socially aware, often simultaneously. Really, how many films of any genre have achieved that?
John Nada (played by the ever-manly “Rowdy” Roddy Piper of WWE fame) is a down-on-his-luck homeless man struggling to make it in a run-down area of Los Angeles, with the help of his new friend Frank (Keith David).

Soon, however, Nada notices some suspicious activity behind the scenes at the local soup kitchen, which prompts him to discover some boxes filled with strange black sunglasses. After seeing the soup kitchen destroyed by law enforcement, he flees with one of the mysterious boxes. Still confused, he hides most of them, but keeps a pair for himself…after all, it’s the eighties, and those are damn cool sunglasses.

Woah...talk about beer goggles!

Minutes later, as he nonchalantly strolls down the street and decides to put the shades ON, he finds out just how cool those things really are. Somewhere in the lens, all color is filtered out so that the world seems black and white, and beneath the colors there is – bum-bum-buuuuuum!!! – SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING!! Advertisements for businesses say “OBEY”. Money says “THIS IS YOUR GOD”, and my favorite, a billboard with a bikini-clad model reclining seductively on the sand says “MARRY AND REPRODUCE”. Seriously, did they even need to put the subliminal text in that one?

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Okay, so it’s finally here-the event that everyone who has even a passing interest in graphic novels has been waiting for, the movie version of Watchmen. And now it falls to me to write a review.

So…

Come on, tell us already!

Well, let’s be blunt-this film is not the same quality as the source material; then again, who really expected it would be? Everyone who knows and loves this story simply knows that there is just way too much to be put in the space of a feature film, even a relatively long one that comes in at close to three hours.

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Regarding Tina and 30 Rock, From Wikipedia:

Fey developed a sitcom, 30 Rock, for NBC’s fall 2006 schedule. The show is produced by NBC and Broadway Video, with Lorne Michaels and two former producers of The Tracy Morgan Show, David Miner, who is also her manager at 3 Arts, and Joann Alfano^. Fey also writes and stars in the sitcom, said to be based on her experiences at SNL.

The show made its debut with mostly positive reviews but weak ratings; ratings improved when NBC moved it to the Thursday night “Must See TV” comedy block. NBC renewed the series for a second season, which began in October 200^7.

In July 2007, Fey was nominated for an Outstanding Actress in a Comedy Series Emmy for her role as Liz Lemon. The show itself won the 2007 Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series. In 2008, she won the Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical, and won a Screen Actors Guild Award for Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series on January 27.

Along with the rest of the show’s writing staff, Fey participated in the 2007-08 Writers Guild of America strike, which began on November 5, 2007 and concluded on February 12, 2008. While picketing in Rockefeller Center on the first day of the strike, Fey was quoted as saying, “I’m a member of the Guild and I am here to support my fellow Guild members. This strike affects the show in which I work. We put our pens down yesterday, and we will not write until negotiations resume.^“ Fey, however, continued with her acting and producing duties on 30 Rock, as required by her contract^. Production on 30 Rock ended Friday, November 9, 200⁷ and resumed 95 days later, at the conclusion of the writers strike, on February 12, 2008.

The show’s third season premiered on October 30, 2008.

As you can see, Reality Break has had a bit of a change.

We’re undergoing a facelift and streamlining things for easier publishing on our end, which will allow us to get better and more frequent articles out for you!

The old articles will be re-published as soon as possible. Please check back soon!

Directed by: Antonio Margheriti

Since it’s been a good long time since I’ve added any new B-movie reviews, I thought I should pick a movie that’s truly, DEEPLY worthy of both mockery and admiration. I found this movie in the 1983 caveman/sci-fi/romance/adventure flick, “Yor, the Hunter from the Future.” Within the first thirty seconds of the film, before the credits were anywhere NEAR complete, I was already laughing out loud. Why, you ask? Because he spends the entire credits running around with a big ax, leaping from rock to rock in a seeming sea of giant phallic rock formations. I swear, there were more penis references in the first few minutes of this film than in the entirety of Heavy Metal and Little Mermaid combined! He also has his wicked-bad theme song singers accompanying him wherever he goes, singing “Yor’s World – he’s the man!” repeatedly. Yes Yor, you are the man. In a very, VERY manly looking place. Ahem.

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If you were like me in the late eighties/early nineties, Tori Amos was a huge influence on your life, both musically and emotionally. To this day, her music has been both inspiring and thought-provoking, from “Little Earthquakes” to her most recent CD, American Girl Posse”. Through the years she has gone through a number of transformations, and expressed herself and her music through a variety of different artistic media (books, artwork, etc.) Now she’s crossed into one more zone of fandom, with the upcoming anthology of comics based on her music, “A Comic Book Tattoo”. Continue reading »

From Wikipedia:

Milla Jovovich (Serbian: Милица Јововић/Milica Jovović, Ukrainian: Мілла Йовович; Russian: Милла Йовович; born Milica Nataša Jovović on December 17, 1975) is an American supermodel, actress, musician, singer, and fashion designer. Jovovich has been featured in numerous high profile modeling campaigns as well as in Hollywood films. Over her career, she has appeared in a number of science-fiction and action themed films, for which music channel VH1 has referred to her as the “reigning queen of kick-butt”.

More pictures after the jump.

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