Directed by: Antonio Margheriti

Since it’s been a good long time since I’ve added any new B-movie reviews, I thought I should pick a movie that’s truly, DEEPLY worthy of both mockery and admiration. I found this movie in the 1983 caveman/sci-fi/romance/adventure flick, “Yor, the Hunter from the Future.” Within the first thirty seconds of the film, before the credits were anywhere NEAR complete, I was already laughing out loud. Why, you ask? Because he spends the entire credits running around with a big ax, leaping from rock to rock in a seeming sea of giant phallic rock formations. I swear, there were more penis references in the first few minutes of this film than in the entirety of Heavy Metal and Little Mermaid combined! He also has his wicked-bad theme song singers accompanying him wherever he goes, singing “Yor’s World – he’s the man!” repeatedly. Yes Yor, you are the man. In a very, VERY manly looking place. Ahem.

Now let me explain a little something about Yor. He has extremely blonde, Fabio-waves of hair, and a bod akin to Rocky from Rocky Horror Picture Show…only he’s even LESS dressed than Rocky, since his loincloth continually flaps about as he runs, betraying far too much of his telltale speedo tan line on his right ass cheek. Not that I was looking (insert innocent stare here). He is also played by Reb Brown, known by some as the would-be 70’s TV version of Captain America. Do you remember that show? Me neither, but I do find it ironic that just a few years after that, he is cast as the lead hero for another comic (ok, graphic novel), and doing his damned best to make it the cheesiest 80’s fantasy hero stereotype ever.

“I want Yor bod!”

But he’s not alone in this endeavor! Animatronic dinosaurs, buxom bikini-clad cave women and an army of black-clad robot soldiers (who are always running about waiting to either get their heads blown off by Yor or their butts sued by Lucasfilms), all add to this beautiful mix of wrongness and hilarity.

Also, I’ve got to ask…what’s up with the name “Yor”? That’s a pronoun, not a name, people!! On a hunch though, I went to check and see if any of the head writers were named, by any chance, “Roy”, just in case some genius decided the formula for naming 80’s fantasy heroes was just saying your own name backwards. What I did find was that the original graphic novel was written by Juan Zanatto and RAY Collins. Hmm…perhaps they were going to name it after Ray, but then thought “Yar” was just a bit too piratey? I guess that beats using the name of the screenplay writers, Robert Bailey (Bor?) or Anthony Dawson (um…Noswad?).

Anyway, the first twenty minutes or so of the film is Yor beating up bad guys, dinosaurs, and pretty much anyone else who comes within touchy distance of his main love-interest, Ka-Laa (played by Corinne Clery). One of the most hilarious rescues is where he “sneaks” into the enemy clan’s hideout cave to rescue her, after ever-so-quietly smiting a nearby pterodactyl (or perhaps it’s just a giant bat) and using it’s dead carcass as a hangglider on his way down to her, gliding down just slowly enough to get in a full chorus of “Yor’s the MAAAN!!!” once more. He then proceeds to drown out the entire group of the rival cavemen on his way out, seemingly committing the first of many well-meaning acts of genocide in this film.

Next, since they’ve run out of caveman sterotypes to work with, they move on to the sci fi ones. Yor, Ka-Laa, and her trusty guardian Pag all wonder why he isn’t like the other men (and why DOES he wake up every morning clean shaven and freshly oiled, anyway?). They go to meet the goddess of the “desert people”, since they heard that she’s the only other blonde in the area, and has the same taste in jewelry as our hero. Turns out she’s not a “Goddess” at all, but Roa (Ayshe Gul) IS one of the last remaining members of his people, who traveled from the future, after a terrible nuclear holocaust (or was it during? No matter, I just know they never grew beards again). To make a long story short, Yor gets bummed, but then gets cheered up by the sheer hotness of Roa, and wonders aloud if Ka-Laa would mind him having a second wife. Oh, and sleeping with Roa while he wonders makes him think SOOO much clearer. It’s also here where he acquires a Flaming Sword of Badassery (+10 against lawful evil, androids, and other things that might easily explode upon contact). Shortly thereafter, he murders all of Roa’s worshippers, making mass-murder look hawt as only Yor can.

Later, at a rest stop along the way, Ka-Laa starts beating on Roa for going after her man, but the catfight is cut short by Ookahn, the original bad guy (whoops- he missed a few back there!), who just jumps right in and kills Roa for her. Eventually, Yor comes back to rescue his girlfriend and finish killing off the last of Ookahns tribe before moving on. After that, all was looking pretty sweet until a peaceful village (i.e. one Yor couldn’t find any reasonable cause to wipe out) was attacked by laser-wielding androids.

This is where my brain starts to hurt. They go off on a reed boat to battle evil attackers that came from the sky, hoping a big rock and a few arrows are going to help against the lasers and other weaponry they have going on over at the Overlords (played by John Steiner) place. No, the main villain has no other name…just “Overlord” will do. Several fight scenes, laser shots, and one ridiculously unlikely trapeze act in a spaceship later, Yor overthrows the Overlord, overtakes the androids, and overthrusts the futuristic jet, high-tailing it off the island before the bomb he threw down into their nuclear reactor goes off. (Yes, he threw a bomb INTO the reactor, to save them. Did I mention he’s extremely blonde?)

As the victory music choruses, this deep-sounding narrator voice suddenly pops up out of nowhere, saying that Yor went on to the mainland to use his “superior intellect” to rebuild civilization better than before. Yeah…because what better way to secure a more peaceful & civilized future than to have a guy who wiped out three full races of people in a 151 minute movie? Good luck with that.